A WEEK AT THE GYM

Dear Diary,
For my 60th birthday this year, my daughter Rachel (the dear) purchased
a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader
43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it
a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased
with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a
diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY :
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was
well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting
for me.

She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and
a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me
the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted
her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was
encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from
holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a
FANTASTIC week-!!

TUESDAY :
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air -
then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!!
It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY :
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other
club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning
and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the
stair 'monster'. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate
an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would
help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY :
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her
thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being
a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took
me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid
in the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch to find me. Then, as
punishment, she put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.

FRIDAY :
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic,
anorexic little cheerleader! If there was a part of my body I could move
without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to
work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And
if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or
anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off
and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have
been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY :
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me
want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching 11 straight
hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY :
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
daughter Rachel (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun
- like a root canal or a hysterectomy.

I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled
the floor with chocolates!!!

Happy Thanksgiving!!